New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

None of You Keep Your Resolutions, Who Are You Kidding?

You know you’re going to tell yourself to lose weight in the New Year, you friggin’ idiot! That’s number one for most people on their list of resolutions. And you’ll foolishly pay for a gym membership or one of those diet programs shown on TV (with all the skinny people who work out professionally but proclaim you can look like them as you work a full day shift, pick up the kids, and pay the bills–what a crock.)

Other pointless resolutions will likely include: Read more, less TV; Quit Smoking; Spend more time with family; Get out of debt (that’s a biggie for this year); Organize your life.

In the end, I would give it 2 weeks and your New Year’s Resolutions are dead, especially if it’s about getting into shape. You just spent your money and your emotions in promoting your own failure. Don’t you feel like a moron?

Here’s the solution to New Year’s Resolutions–“Anti-resolutions”!

We all know when someone tells us to behave the instinct is to “not behave.” So when you tell yourself to lose weight, you will rebel against yourself. This doesn’t mean your schizophrenic (unless you are, then good luck to you), it just means it’s natural to not do what is told of you and if you’re telling yourself to do something then you’ll do the opposite.

The anti-resolution methodology uses reverse psychology. If you tell yourselfnot to do something you’ll rebel and “do it.” So write down a list of what you intend to “not to accomplish” this year:

1. I will not lose weight this year and plan to order something off the dessert menu every time that stupid Denny’s waiter asks.

2. I refuse to spend time with my ingrate family as the TV is much more comforting.

3. I will continue to smoke because doctors don’t know everything. Smoking could be curing some disease we don’t even know about.

And the list goes on like this until you have all of your anti-resolutions out on paper. In 2 weeks the rebelling begins–you’ll tell yourself to go to hell because you’re going to lose weight no matter what you say; you’ll spend time with your family just to spite yourself; and you’ll stop smoking because you can spend that money on gambling (ending your gambling habit is next year’s resolution, don’t worry about it now).

I believe this methodology will work though the clinical trials are still in “phase one” (phase one is anyone who reads this and gets back to me with comments. If anti-resolutions do not work than you are in no worse shape than you would be if you had made normal resolutions bound to be abandoned within the month. The only side effect may be that your inner conflict has been ramped up so much that therapy is required–so get a refund on your gym membership and use the money there instead.